Posted: October 26th, 2011 | No Comments »
There are so many reasons to have friends! Friends are fun, provide support, teach you new ways of doing things, improve your health and motivate you towards reaching your goals.
Studies have shown that friendships are important for health.
- For example, according to Pamela Allardice a writer for a Women’s weekly magazine, “The support that you receive from friends provides comfort and perspective — and it might just lengthen your life. “ She goes on to say that Friends keep you healthy.
- Studies show that having friends can reduce depression, lower blood pressure, improve memory, help you to lose weight and even ward off the common cold. (Read the article, UCLA Study on Friendship Among Women: http://www.anapsid.org/cnd/gender/tendfend.html)
- “In one of the most famous experiments on health and social life, Sheldon Cohen at Carnegie Mellon University exposed hundreds of healthy volunteers to the common cold virus, then quarantined them for several days. Cohen showed that the study participants with more social connections and with more diverse social networks — that is, with friends from a variety of social contexts, such as work, sports teams and church — were less likely to develop a cold than the more socially isolated study participants. The immune systems of people with lots of friends simply worked better, fighting off the cold virus often without symptoms. (Time Health article – Recipe for Longevity: No Smoking, Lots of Friends by Laura Blue. Read more: http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599)
- According to the Harvard Nurses Health Study (a huge research program that analysed risk factors for disease in 122,000 women), not having at least one friend is as bad for you as smoking.
Friends improve your health but you also need a network of friends throughout your life to help motivate you! We are built for community and function best when we are connected in friendships.
I, personally, have found that friends help push friends along towards goals. In April 2008, I set a goal to run the Pasadena ½ Marathon on November 16 2008 but it was cancelled. My friends organized a day to run it anyway. Friends help friends to reach their goals. Do you think I would have run the Pasadena ½ Marathon in November if I were alone. Probably not. Friends motivate friends towards their goals. Friends also give you a new perspective and way of approaching your goals, ways you may never have considered.
I encourage you today, to make a decision to just to it – Write down your goals, create your plan, surround yourself with friends and take action! Start your journey to making your goals a reality. Reaching your goals with the help and company of friends makes the journey fun!
Posted: June 3rd, 2010 | No Comments »
When I was a preteen I had dream that I have remembered since the day I woke up from the dream.
In the dream I am holding on to a bar in the sky. I cannot see anything below and I am just dangling. My hands are getting sweaty and my arms are tight and hurt really bad but I just keep holding on. I don’t want to let go because I am afraid of what could happen to me if I let go. I fear that if I let go, I would die so I hold on and hold on. Holding on gets to be so painful that I finally let go and when I let go, I awake from my dream in fear.
I have remembered this dream because it was so intense and emotional. I remember that my arms were so tense when I woke up and I was very sweaty. Maybe, I was struggling with something in my life that I needed to let go of. Letting go is healthy but scary. I don’t remember my struggle at the time that I had my dream but I am sure that I was letting go of something in my life. Holding on takes an incredible amount of energy and it can really hurt, just like in my dream.
Change is hard! Letting go of bad habits, ideas, behaviors, resentments, failures, routines, guilt, mistakes, and the past can feel frightening. Remember that it is healthy to let go and move forward. It’s healthy to allow yourself to explore the possibilities. This weekend, I was talking to friends who shared their dreams with me. One said that he had dreams of flying. I commented that I never had a dream where I was flying. Maybe, I never had a dream of flying because I was so busy holding on to the bar in my dream that I never allowed myself the possibility that if I let go I could fly.
Letting go frees you to explore the possibilities.
Posted: May 1st, 2010 | No Comments »
“There is in every organism, at whatever level, an underlying flow of movement toward constructive fulfillment of its inherent possibilities” – Carl Rogers
When I think of the quotation above I think of my own desire for growth and the endless possibilities. However, growth is not easy and it often requires stretching yourself, leaving your comfort zone and staying committed. It’s hard to stay motivated and committed to growth when you have many challenges and few successes. One example of perseverance against many challenges is the story of Rudy Ruettiger.
Do you remember the movie, “Rudy?” Rudy Ruettiger’s goal was to play football for Notre Dame but the cards were stacked against him. He was told he was not good enough, he was not smart enough and he was not big enough. If you have seen the movie then you know that all of these limitations did not stop Rudy from making his dream a reality.
Do you think Rudy grew from this experience? I think he grew tremendously and has become a role model for many.
Do you think it was painful for him? I am sure that it was and I am sure that he was filled with insecurities, frustration and disappointment. It hurts to grow.
Two years ago, I was watching my 6-year-old son learn to ride a bike. It was painful for me to watch because he kept falling, kept getting hurt and he was getting very frustrated.
Watching him made me think about the first time that I have tried something new. Some of us can be successful the first time but most of us need a lot of practice before we are successful. Practicing can be difficult, time consuming and frustrating but it pays off. The more we practice the more we begin to build confidence that can lead to more successes.
Just like my son. He started off insecure, scared, frustrated and in pain because he kept falling off his bike. The more he practiced the more he had successes. Pretty soon he looked great riding his bike. He was no longer falling, no longer frustrated and soon he felt confident riding his bike. Lately, I have been thinking about my observations of my son and his experience in learning to ride a bike. His experience has really helped me because I often want to try new things but then become fearful.
Have you ever stepped out of your comfort zone? I have and it feels very scary but it also makes me feel alive and engaged in life. The more things that I try the more confidence I build. Often when I try something new, I try to think of the worst case scenario. What is the worst thing that can happen when you put yourself out there? Well, I thought of 3 things that may happen:
- You can fail but learn from your mistakes. For example, Michael Jordon. Did you know that Micheal Jordan was called upon to take the game winning shot many times and missed. Can you imagine if Michael Jordon gave up after the first few times that he tried? We all would be missing out on seeing an incredible athlete.
- You can fail but learn something new. You may fail, for example your business could fail, but out of this, you may discover that you learned something new, such as public speaking, creative writing, marketing, website development, goal setting, perseverance and perhaps letting your idea or business (if you have started one) evolve into something else. Your last idea may be better than your first.
- You can fail and you can grow in the process –You may try harder, allow yourself to push forward although you feel like giving up because repeated failure hurts. Whoever said growing was easy? No pain, no gain!
Failure is an illusion. At any point in Rudy’s struggle he could have given up and then where would he be now. Also, my son in learning to ride a bike, repeatedly fell and he could have chosen to stay down instead of picking himself back up and trying again. It hurts to grow, but the pain may be worth it.
Today, I challenge you to keep dreaming, keep trying, and keep growing even though it may hurt.
Posted: March 18th, 2010 | No Comments »
Why be happy? Have you ever thought about why your happiness was important?
According to Professor Sonja Lyubomirsky of UC Riverside, who has studied happiness in recent years, happiness is associated with:
- greater income and higher work quality and productivity,
- larger social rewards (such as satisfying marriages, larger network of friends, stronger social support),
- greater levels of activity, energy and flow, and better physical health
- Longevity
Also, she found that happy individuals showed more creativity, helpfulness, charity, and self-confidence, have better self control, and show greater self discipline and coping skills.
Happiness can have some very positive results!
Think about your own life for a moment. Do you consider yourself a happy person? Have you ever thought about what could make you happier? I have. I decided to find out about happiness from the experts.
I am going to share with you five researcher studies that have studied what makes us happiest.
1. Research by University of Illinois Psychologist, Edward Diener, researched life satisfaction. He held a conference with the leading experts in the area of positive psychology. They focused on happiness, optimism, positive emotions and healthy character traits. Research by Dr. Diener and others found that happiness does not come from money, marriage, or good weather. He did find that happiness was influenced by friends. “A 2002 study conducted at the University of Illinois by Diener and Seligman found that the most salient characteristic shared by the 10% of students with the highest levels of happiness and the fewest signs of depression were their strong ties to friends and family and commitment to spending time with them.” Diener says that we need to share this with others. He says that “it is important to work on social skills, close interpersonal ties and social support in order to be happy.”
2. Dr. Lyubomirsky and her colleagues based on the research they have done have found that happiness increases when you are committed to focusing on it daily. Currently they are researching 3 strategies that may influence happiness:
- Regularly setting a time to remember times when you felt grateful (such as keeping a journal in which one count’s one’s blessings or writing a gratitude letter).
- Engaging in self-regulatory and positive thinking about oneself (such as reflecting, writing, and talking about one’ happiest and unhappiest life events or one’s goals for the future, and
- Practicing altruism and kindness (such as routinely committing acts of kindness).
3. Another researcher, Nobel-prizewinning psychologist Daniel Kahneman of Princeton University created a tool for understanding happiness: the day-reconstruction method. 900 Texas women participated in the study and filled out a long diary of questions that focused on what they were doing and how they felt. He found that the women were happiest when they were involved in the following activities: sex, socializing, relaxing, exercising, praying or meditating and eating.
4. Another very well respected researcher, University of Pennsylvania psychologist and previous American Psychological Association’s president in 1998, Martin Seligman, focused on positive psychology and gave it momentum. His research focused on optimism. Seligman finds that there are 3 factors to happiness:
- Pleasure
- Engagement – how much people are involved with family, work, romance and hobbies
- Meaning – Using one’s strengths for a greater purpose.
5. In a study by a researcher from the University of Minnesota, David Lykken found that genes play a role in determining happiness and satisfaction in life. He studied twins from 1936 to 1955. He found that 50% of life satisfaction comes from your genetic programming and that on 8% was attributed to income, marital status, religion, and education. Genes seem to play a big role in our ability to be happy.
So far from all 5 studies I conclude the following:
Happiness is affected by your genetic makeup, good relationships with friends and family, engaging in pleasurable activities, focusing on happiness daily, being kind to others, and feeling that what you are doing has purpose or meaning.
So what can you do to increase your own happiness?
Spend more time with friends. Psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi says that “Almost every person feels happier when they’re with other people.”
In my own life I have witnessed some women who have bounced back from divorce or loss of a loved one and have become happy once again. These women were resilient. My mother-in-law started a successful business that is still successful. She began her business with the idea to buy a building and recruited her friends as investors. She bought a building in Santa Monica fixed it up and then sold it. That was the beginning of her real estate development company. My own mother bounced back from losing my dad and moving forward with her life although it was very hard. My mom had wonderful friends who were there for her and helped her with her struggle. I guess it is never too late to start striving for those things that you would like to achieve in your life and maybe with a little help from your friends you can make your dreams come true.
If you ask me what I think about what increases happiness I think it is that women may want Love, Worth, Control, Strength and being Engaged in Life. These 5 areas bring me a lot of happiness.
I want to share with you my journey to understanding my happiness. I have had the pleasure of having many different roles in my life. I have been in the role of daughter, mother, wife, counselor, facilitator, employee, and friend. I have enjoyed many of the roles in all of the relationships that I have had and yet still struggle with happiness. For the past two years, I have been on a personal journey in seeking my own fulfillment and happiness by setting goals that helped me focus on my improving my self-esteem, improving my health and understanding transitions in my life.
In my own life, I have noticed that I was not happy nor fulfilled when my life slowed down. I had quit my job in 2005 and life just did not feel the same. After I quit my job I felt a tremendous amount of anxiety and I jumped into working with my husband. Unfortunately, rather than feeling happier because I worked less, I felt less happy. My motivation dropped and I wanted out. I found myself complaining a lot, feeling jealous, feeling very negative and often sad. I had thoughts like, “no one appreciates me”, “I am aging”, and “does anyone see that I have value?” I wanted to feel happy and identified for myself that happiness for me was:
Love – Feeling loved by my husband, children, friends and family and loving myself the way that I am
Worth – Feeling like I mattered, feeling appreciated , competent and purposeful
Control – Feeling in control of myself – including financial independence, control of my weight, and feeling balanced
Strength – Being healthy, strong mentally, strong physically, and attractive
Engagement in Life – Being creative, spontaneous, achieving challenging tasks, feeling free and passionate
Recognizing that I wanted to feel stronger, I decided to quit my job with my husband and instead began setting goals to address some of the areas that I wanted to change.
I decided to start dreaming of a life that I wanted and started to set goals to give me focus and direction. This has make me feel more in control, engaged in life, stronger which adds to my own self worth and love.
You must make a decision to start dreaming again, to start believing in yourself again, to start engaging in life. It is never too late to start a new career, go back to school, participate in new hobbies, make new friends, improve your health and try something you never thought possible for yourself. You may surprise yourself in what you can achieve and you very well may find the fulfillment and happiness you deserve.
Posted: February 11th, 2010 | No Comments »
Fulfillment sounds good doesn’t it? When I think of the word, “fulfillment” I think of all sorts of images – like being very thirsty and then having that cold glass of water or being away from a loved one and then finally getting to see them for the first time in a long time or longing for a great relationship and finally meeting that special person. So what does it mean to be fulfilled?
To help me understand fulfillment, I decided to look up the word “fulfillment” in the dictionary. An online dictionary defined fulfillment as, “the state or quality of being fulfilled; completion; realization.” I thought about this meaning for a while then decided to look up the word, “fulfill” in a children’s dictionary. The word “fulfill” means, “If you fulfill a need, a wish, or an ambition, you satisfy it.” From this definition, I understand then to be fulfilled means to satisfy or realize a need, a desire, a wish or an ambition. This goes along with my belief about behavior. I believe behavior is driven by our needs. Becoming aware of what it is we need in our life is then the first task toward fulfillment.
We need many things in our lives. To narrow down the list, we must clarify and then prioritize our needs. Many needs are obvious such as desiring food when we are hungry, or water when we are thirsty, or friendships when we are lonely but what about the not so obvious like desiring appreciation, recognition, or belonging or strength.
To help me with this idea of needs I sought out information from an expert in the area of needs, Abraham Maslow.
In 1954 Abraham Malsow developed his theory, Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Maslow believed that people’s needs fall into 2 categories – Deficiency needs and Growth needs.
For deficiency needs, he thought that people were motivated to remove the deficiency before they could focus on their need for growth. Under deficiency needs he thought that people were motivated first to satisfy their needs for:
- Physiological: to eat nutritious meals, quench thirst, sleep etc.
- Safety/Security: to feel safe and secure emotionally, financially
- Love, Acceptance, Affection & Belonging: to want to affiliate with others, be accepted at home, work or with friends & family and have friendships and camaraderie and in your surroundings.
- Esteem: to achieve, be competent, gain approval, be recognize and feel respected.
The only growth need he listed was the following:
- Self Actualization: to find self-fulfillment and realize one’s potential
In looking at the list of needs, I really wanted to be at the growth need, self actualization, but realized that I wasn’t there yet. So I started setting goals to tackle my needs in other areas of my life.
Setting goals has helped me to meet some of my needs, become more engaged in life and feel a sense of accomplishment and success. It has also improved my confidence. Each time I have tried something new it has increased my confidence in trying more new things.
I think of a goal as an arrow that gives focus. Setting goals means that you are planning to succeed and planning your success. To succeed, you need to plan your goals and create action plans with an understanding of your needs and the needs of those around you.
Through goal setting you are also learning to develop some new positive habits. Aristotle said, “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act but a habit.“
Today, I challenge you to clarify your needs, set your goals and begin your journey to fulfillment.
Posted: January 29th, 2010 | No Comments »
Let yourself imagine for one moment:
Imagine you were in a dark room and you were trying to find a way out of the room because you knew that outside of the room, on the other side of the door is your dream waiting for you to find it. There is no light and you are standing in darkness inside the room.
How do you get out?
Well, you may try to find a wall, maybe carefully, trying to reach out in front to see if you can feel something.
You may think to yourself that if you find a wall, you can just keep feeling around the wall until you find a doorknob and then the door to walk out of.
It might take a lot of time, especially if the room is large and if you are unfamiliar with what is inside the room like, couches, chairs, tables. These items could be barrier to you finding your way out of the room.
Now, imagine that you think you are alone but the reality is that you have a friend in the room and the friend gives you a flashlight.
What would your experience be like now?
Much better wouldn’t you say? The light gives you a clear path to the door and reveals the barriers, the chairs, the couches, and the tables in the room. You follow the light to the door and find your dream.
Having friends, setting clear, realistic goals with action plans will create a clear path to your desired outcome.
The purpose of the above illustration is to help you see how planning can help you to achieve your dream. There are tools to assist you on refining, achieving your goals and overcoming your fears, real or imagined. Goal setting helps you focus on what it is you want to achieve in your life. Sometimes life with all it’s demands can be overwhelming, but if you set goals, create action plans, and draw upon your friends for support, things become a little bit easier to manage.
Today – Your first step is to make a decision to just to it!
Write down your dream, create your plan of action, surround yourself with friends and face the challenges that arise!
Nothing is easy, so expect to work.. On your journey you will find barriers and challenges that you will need to face and work through.
Today, I want to leave you with 4 thoughts:
1. Face Your Fears & Challenges as Opportunities!
2. Don’t let the Fear of the Unknown Paralyze You!
3. Strive to Be Resilient!
4. Stay Motivated
1. Face Your Fears & Challenges as Opportunities!
How often do we make excuses when we approach problems?
Sometimes these problems or challenges can come with hidden opportunities and sometimes circumstances force us to take risks that we normally would not take in our lives.
Think of the economy right now. Many people are losing their jobs. This could be extremely stressful and many see this situation as a crisis in their life, but they can also think of it as an opportunity. Maybe for some people they didn’t like the job that used to have. Now they have the opportunity to find the job of their dreams.
2. Don’t let the Fear of the Unknown Paralyze You!
According to the Los Angeles Times Article on January 19, 2009, Job Losses Predicted for Most Cities: Unemployment is expected to top 10% in 70 areas.”
This article was written one year ago. As we know, this year unemployment actually surpassed 10% in California.
The problem sounds very big doesn’t it? Do you think that some of these people who have lost their jobs will able to persevere or is this problem too great?
Some people see these articles and become paralyzed. Rather than be paralyzed you now have an opportunity to be courageous and take action. Face your fears and you will grow. In my own life I have seen courageous people take action.
I am optimistic that through this economic crisis there will be many courageous and resilient people!
3. Strive to Be Resilient! (Resiliency is the ability for one to bounce back from adversity or crisis)
Challenges often give way to creativity, opportunity, and often push us to take risks outside our comfort zone. I also, believe that people are resilient.
My Father was resilient.
When I was a teen my father lost his job.
My father was a sign repair service man who had a wife and 5 daughters.
He was the provider and always had been a very good one.
My sisters and I never felt that we lacked anything even though we didn’t have much money to spare.
My father did not have many options when it came to a job.
He was not college educated, nor did he have a high school diploma, but he learned to be an electrician on the job.
He was raised in Mexico in a family of 10 brothers and sisters and he was the 4th to the youngest.
He came to the United States to work as an electrician.
So when my father lost his job from Sign Repair Service, things felt pretty scary and uncertain.
My father quickly decided that he would start his own business and it was difficult, but he did. Things were slow at first, I remember being at his office and the phone would hardly ring, but my father was persistent.
He decided to expand his company to not only focus on sign repair but also on parking lights and this idea brought him regular customers.
My dad’s company focused on parking lights and sign repair and he started to have the ports along the coast call him to repair their parking lights.
Eventually, his old company went out of business and guess who moved into to the old location, his parking lights and sign repair company. I think my father was very proud that day.
I think my father weighed out his options, rolled his dice and took a risk. Fortunately, his decision was good.
Another person that inspires me in approaching challenges is my mom.
My mother was resilient.
My mother was a stay at home mom. She was in the PTA, she volunteered for all the school activities, shuttled my sisters and I around from activity to activity.
She didn’t work until she was faced with a crisis.
My father at 56 years of age died of a massive heart attack my mom’s whole world came crashing down and she was only 45 years old. My father left my mother with 5 daughters, no extra money, and a business that she had to run to make money.
This was a huge challenge for my mom so she had to be creative, think outside the box and take a risk to run a company that she had never run before and to be in a job that is almost entirely male dominated.
During a time of grieving, she had to learn to run a parking lights and sign repair company. She did and now many years later, she runs the company successfully and confidently. She is an inspiration to me.
This recession is difficult for many people to face. Many people have lost their jobs or worry that they will soon lose their jobs. People are afraid and are having many sleepless nights. Just remember this recession is just a moment in time, so seize the moment and make the best of it. This experience may force many to take risks that they would normally never take and these risks may lead to opportunities.
The last thing I would like to talk to you about is staying motivated on your journey.
What can you do today to stay motivated on your journey? I believe the top three things to staying motivated are 1. Being committed 2. Believing in yourself and that you can attain your goal and 3. Deciding that you are capable.
1. Be Commited – This is very important especially when the goals are very difficult. Making a public commitment enhances your goal commitment.
- Set clear goals
- Tell others about your goals
- Write an action plan.
2. Believe in yourself and that you can attain your goal – Do you believe you can attain your goal?
- You have to believe that you can reach the goal that you set for yourself.
- Visualize yourself reaching the goal.
3. Decide that you are capable – Do you feel you have the skills, talents, and ability necessary to reach your goals?
- Enroll in a class or get a mentor to help you feel capable
- Find a role model that you can identify with. This can help you feel capable
- Talk to your friends and hear their encouraging words. This can help you feel capable.
Other ideas to stay motivated are:
1. Get Feedback – Feedback reveals progress. Getting feedback can effect motivation because one can understand how one is doing in relation to their goal.
2. Set a Deadline – When you write your goals make sure they have a time listed as to when you plan to achieve your goal.
3. Stay Positive – Your thoughts can either encourage you or discourage you. If you are set back in your goals, forgive yourself and move on. For example, if your goal is to lose weight but you were so tempted by a chocolate chip cookie that you gave in and ate it. Acknowledge that you could have made a better choice but then let it go then stay positive and hopeful. Don’t give up because you ate the cookie.
4. Give yourself a Reward – give yourself incentives and reward yourself when you complete a task.
5. Get a Buddy – find someone who is working on the same goal as you. Work together and help each other to keep committed to your goals. You may discover that your goal may become more enjoyable when you are working on it with someone else.
6. Be Satisfied with your progress – the more successes one has the more motivated one will be so keep track of your successes however small they are.
Today, find your flashlight, follow your path to your goals and if you encounter barriers along the way, think outside the box for solutions and start your journey to making your dream a reality with the help of your friends and little taste of motivation.
Posted: January 10th, 2010 | No Comments »
Elenor Rosevelt said, “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.”
Today, I want to inspire you to find your voice and live your most authentic life by gaining the strength to face your fears and follow your dreams. Allow yourself to explore aspirations you may have been forced to put on hold as well as uncover new dreams you’ve yet to imagine but be ready to stay strong to reach these aspirations and dreams.
I would like to you close your eyes and remember the dreams that you once had. Think about the one dream that you cannot let go of. Think about it for a moment. Did you ever start making the steps toward it? Think about all the motions that you have made towards it in the past. Now think about what stopped you. Open your eyes. On a scratch sheet of paper take a moment and write down the thing that stopped you in your tracks and set this paper aside for a moment.
Make a decision today. Decide to look fear in the face and gain the strength to choose to live your most authentic life. William Glasser, a well known psychiatrist and founder of Reality Therapy says in his book “Positive Addiction” (page 4), “To find the happiness we all desire we have to figure out: 1. What to do, 2. How to do it, and 3. Where to get the strength to get it done.” As we all know, most of the time the hardest part is having the strength to keep struggling.
After making a decision, begin designing your roadmap that will guide you back to finding your goals and dreams that you may have stored away as you took on the intense responsibilities necessary to care for a family, career, your health or other consuming responsibilities.
Together let’s explore some basic universal struggles, such as having time for personal growth while balancing a career, family, elderly parents, young children, friends and health issues. Together let us encourage each other to move forward, gain strength and not lose sight of who we are and what we really need to grow as individuals.
Now open your paper and look at the thing that is stopping you. What is it?
How can you tackle this thing that is stopping you?
Now, I would like to you to write down some steps that you think you can take to begin moving forward and tackling this thing that is stopping you. Okay write it down.
What have you written?
For me, it was fear. Fear of being in unchartered territory. I needed strength to push beyond the fear. I wasn’t willing to struggle against the fear until April of 2008 when I decided to start a business, run a marathon and begin improving my skills in public speaking. I still have fear of all of these things but I have also gained in confidence, strength and courage. It has not been easy. I first began with setting small action steps that began to have momentum. That was my first year of the struggle. The next year seemed to be much more difficult and my motivation began to decrease. I think fear was starting to get the best of me but now I am ready to face my fear and grow.
What about you? Are you ready to join me in the struggle?
If so, I would like to you take one more look at the thing that is standing in your way and commit to doing at least one step that you have written down to move you forward. Together let’s begin gaining momentum towards becoming stronger and overcoming our challenges.
